Interdimensional Time Warp
by Diabeetus
Summary: After wondering why nobody in the town of South Park has aged in the past 14 years, Kyle and his friends discover a cover up conspiracy.
1. Chapter 1

It was early morning. Kyle walked up to the same old bus stop he'd been waiting at everyday for what seemed like forever. Although it wasn't really much of a bus stop. More like the side of a deserted old road across from a retarded goat farm. And yes, the goats there actually were retarded, which probably explained why half the residents of South Park were retarded as well; it must have been retard hormones in the milk. Snow covered all bits of green and the air stood thick and cold. Like usual, three other boys were already there waiting. Well, not quite the usual, considering Cartman was usually the late one. Today was a little different, though.

"Hey dudes." he greeted. Cartman glared back with no expression, Stan gave him a shivering nod. Kenny just blinked, tucking his hands into his pockets. A few minutes passed by silently, without a sign of the bus. Not that anything was ever timely in South Park.

Eventually, Kyle decided to bring up what had been bothering him all night. When there was a mystery on his brain, it just didn't leave until he found answers.

"You know, I found my birth certificate in my mom's file cabinet last night." he began. Though when he spoke, the stupid cold air would get up his nose and burn it. This was why nobody bothered talking in the morning. They all looked on into the distance in their usual bored, early morning expressions. Nobody cared.

"So, it said I was born in 1989. Weird, huh? They must of screwed up on my birth date."

"Well, half the people in this town _are_ retarded, jew." Cartman said.

"Muphh mee meh moat milk."

"Yeah, on my records it says the same thing." Stan added.

Kyle rubbed his chin. "Well, that's weird."

Just then the old bus pulled up from down the road. Mrs. Crabtree screamed at them to sit down and shut up. Heaven forbid the chilly air outside freeze off some of the ass she sat on every day.

* * *

Kyle was last to arrive at the bus stop the next day too. He'd spent the whole morning sneaking through the records in his mother's file drawer while they were all downstairs eating breakfast. He didn't want to look too suspicious.

"Dude!" he yelled to his friends, running to the bus stop. "You're not going to believe this!"

They all gave him a blank and empty stare, not unlike the faces of the retarded goats across the road, as they chewed on their grass in ignorant goat bliss. He took that as a sign to continue.

"So I was looking through some files again, and I found my parent's birth certificates too. It said my _dad_ was born in_ 1956_. And on Ike's papers, it said he was born in 1994."

"So what?" Stan replied, shivering. It was _way_ too cold to be thinking about numbers and dates right now.

"So, my dad is only 41 and Ike is 3! Don't you see? All of these birthdates are off 14 years!"

Cartman gasped in horror. "Oh my god! It's a sign! The apocalypse is supposed to happen in year 2014, I saw it on TV."

"What does that have to do with what I'm saying?" Kyle shouted.

"I'm just telling you guys!"

He gritted his teeth at Cartman's stupidity. "There's not going to be an apocalypse! Stop believing everything you see on TV! And guys, there's definitely something weird going on here."

"Like what? Maybe their computers weren't working when they made the records. It's not that weird, Kyle." Stan argued.

"Yeah, but back when my parents were born there _weren't_ computers. They had to write everything by hand. The same mistake can't happen that many times."

Stan rolled his eyes. "Whatever, just don't drag me into this one."

He sighed, then looked to Kenny and Cartman. Kenny shrugged.

Cartman looked equally indifferent, which was quite expected. "_Totally_ don't care." he mumbled.

* * *

_Later, that weekend._

"I'm not going down there by myself! What if I get raped?"

"How is a ghost with one leg going to rape you, Stan?"

"I don't know Kyle! Maybe ghosts don't need legs to rape!"

"Just stop being a pussy, and go already."

Stan's heart raced as they made it down the steps of his dark basement. He didn't like coming down here unless it was an emergency. Grandpa had told him many times about the dead one-legged crazy man that died in the corner of the basement and had been haunting it ever since. Supposedly, according to legend, the man only came out to rape little children. Of course Grandpa _was_ a bit senile, but that didn't seem to calm his nerves one bit.

He inched down the steps slowly, holding the dim flashlight ahead of him but afraid to look and see what the light uncovered. Suddenly, something jabbed at his back and he flinched a foot in the air. It was Kyle, pushing him to move forward.

"JESUS, DONT DO THAT!" he screamed.

"Well you're not really moving!"

"I'm going as fast as I can." he said cautiously, continuing to inch down the steps, taking his sweet precious time.

"BOO!" Kyle shouted suddenly, nearly inducing a heart attack in his friend. "AHHH!" he screamed and flew down the staircase. He halted to a stop at the little hanging light bulb above the basement sink, then yanked the rope to turn on the light and backed into a wall, panting.

"Wow, do you really believe there's a ghost in here? Thats retarde-" Kyle was cut off when suddenly the light bulb started to shake, along with the shelf leaning against the wall. Everything started to vibrate like something was shaking it back and forth. The shaking got more and more violent. Stan froze in terror. It was almost like..

"Woo! Shake it!" they heard a voice call from upstairs. _Oh god_. Stan pinched his nose. "W-what was that?" Kyle stuttered, actual fear in his voice this time.

"It was my parents..." he explained, ashamed. "They get drunk and dance to disco music every weekend." The creaking sound in the floor above them became louder, which explained the shaking of everything below. Remnants of bass and awful music could be heard through the basement.

Kyle sniggered. "So that was the ghost, eh?"

"Shut up, dude! You were scared shitless too!"

Kyle frownded. "Let's just find the papers already." He started browsing through the cabinet against a cinderblock wall, hunched down with a flashlight in search of Stan's family certificates. It felt strangely criminal to be noosing into people's personal files, but he needed to find some answers.

Finally, he located a small folder with several certificate papers inside. He reached in and pulled the papers out. There was Stan's, Shelly's and even his parent's and grandparent's certificates. Perfect.

"Are those it?" Stan asked.

"Yep, these are it dude." Kyle began to search through them, looking at the birthdates on all of them. Just as he predicted, on Shelly's birth certificate, it read 1986. On Randy and Sharon's, it said 1959, and 1961. On Stan's grandpa's, it read 1898. "NO fucking way dude!"

"What?" Stan replied.

"You're grandpa was born in 1898?" Kyle asked, raising an eyebrow. "How the hell is he still alive?"

"Hm, I don't know. He..._is_ pretty old."

"He'd be well over a centenarian, Stan! I told you, something strange is going on here. I'm going to find out what, too. Somebody's got to have the answers."

"Like who? Half the people in town are retarded, and Chef is dead. Who else is left to ask?" Stan shrugged.

Kyle thought for a moment. Stan contemplated for a moment as well. They looked at each other, having come to only one conclusion. "Dr. Mephisto!"


	2. Chapter 2

The boys made their way up the gravely hill, which had always been oddly desolate of snow, despite the permanently dark clouds that seemed to loom over it. Cartman and Kenny had tugged along out of boredom. At the top stood a boxy home on concrete stilts, although it looked more like a building than a home. They reached two giant steel doors and rang the doorbell beside it.

After a few minutes, an old man in a colorful Hawaiian shirt and straw hat appeared, gripping a wooden cane in his hand with a mutant midget clone by his side.

"Ah, hello boys." he greeted in a raspy voice.

"Dr. Mephisto." Kyle greeted, trying to avoid eye contact with the mutant clone staring him down. Or up, in this case. "We need your help in solving a mystery."

"What is this? Scooby Doo?" he chuckled. The midget continued to stare at them creepily, his eerie blank face boring into their souls. Kyle tried to just ignore it. Kenny seemed rather amused by it.

"Well, no. But I noticed that on everyone's birth certificates, the birthdates are all wrong. We looked at them, and they're _all _off by 14 years. I thought it was a pretty strange coincidence."

"Ahh, I thought no one would ever notice. Seems you boys are some of the few people in this town that aren't actually retarded."

"Yeah, except for Cartman." Stan snickered.

"Ay!" Cartman threatened to punch him in the arm.

"Well, come inside, and I'll explain my theory. You see, I've been working on this mystery for quite awhile now, and I _think_ I'm getting close to a possible answer."

They walked inside, following Mephisto down a white hallway full of tripled assed monkeys and other various animals with multiple limbs. Cartman stopped to poke a stick at the monkey, but it spat at him. "Hey! That little butt fucker spat on me!" he yelled.

"You guys! That monkey spat in my face!" he complained, trudging behind at a slow pace. "Yes, it's probably not a good idea to poke them with sticks." Mephisto replied.

He resorted to poking the midget clone with the same stick, chuckling while the small man's nerves began to rise. After a minute of continuous poking, the small man turned around and kicked him in the balls. "Ow!" he yelled.

Finally, they arrived in a small laboratory room at the end of the hallway, where Mephisto flicked on the lights to reveal two boxes heavily guarded by a glass wall, each containing a macaque monkey inside them. One of them looked younger than the other, possibly a baby.

On the right side of the wall, there was a blue light and a giant generator machine, hooked up to a computer screen that monitored it's progress. Inside the box was a spinning metal orb of some sort. The monkey didn't react to their presence at all. It appeared to be either really slow, or frozen in time.

"What is all this stuff?" Kyle asked.

"That" Mephisto pointed to the machine. "Is a tachyon reflectormatron. It changes the speed of particles and can alter time itself."

"Woah." the boys said in wonder.

"Notice how the monkey on the left has three asses." he commented. "They've both been inserted with multiple-ass growing DNA, but it takes until adulthood for this trait to develop. When I use the reflectormatron to speed up the particles a few hundred thousand miles per second, their asses grow at a normal rate, but if I don't reflect the particles, they seem to never grow more than one ass at all." he rubbed his chin in thought.

The boys seemed to be completely lost. "Well, this has only led me to conclude one thing." he announced, arms folded. "It means that this entire town is suspended in a warped time continuum, where time itself occurs at approximately 13285.714 seconds per second faster than we perceive, or experience it. Someone, or something, must have caused this sudden time warp."

"And it just started to happen..14 years ago?" Stan wondered. "Yes. But the problem is figuring out why or what caused it." Dr. Mephisto replied.

"I told you guys, it's the Mayans! They plan to take over the world in 2014 and kill us all. The end of the world is coming! It's the most obvious answer you guys, seriously." Cartman stared at the monkeys, with a determined look across his face.

"Would you shut up about the stupid Mayans already? First it was 2012, now it's 2014. There's no such thing as the end of the world!" Kyle yelled.

"Wait! So does this mean we really aren't nine years old?" Stan asked, a quivering fear of the unknown in his voice. This was all just too weird for him.

"I'm afraid so. The truth is, you are all twenty year olds trapped in children's bodies and will most likely never grow old. Not only has your DNA been warped by physics, you will also never get laid in the real world and will most likely have to be shot down by government officials if they ever find out about your hideously strange demise." Mephisto answered.

Their jaws all dropped.


End file.
